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First off, an update on Tanya: she is back home from surgery & all appears to have gone well. Phew.
I wish I could say all has been merry & bright these past couple of months in terms of my pregnancy, but alas, I cannot. And since a while back I wrote about being honest, I feel compelled to be honest again now. I have felt myself drifting away again, but since I tend to get somewhat melancholy around the holidays, and because I am often affected by seasonal affective disorder (and because this winter has been particularly gross without much snow), I ignored it. I ignored my frequent feelings of just wanting to be alone (offset by my neediness & feeling completely lonely when Honey falls asleep before I do) and my feelings of slipping back into depression. I think I just always hope ~ tomorrow I will feel better. And sometimes I do. And then sometimes I wake up angry at the world, pissed because Honey’s snoring has woken me up countless times during the night, or because Riley-cat has decided he needs to get into the bathroom cupboard. (And let me clarify that I’m not pissed directly at Honey because I know he can’t help that he snores when he sleeps on his back). This is all exasperated by little things like my curling iron cord getting stuck on the bathroom cupboard knob, or not being able to find the sweater I wanted to wear; the one non-wrinkly item of clothing I had because I don’t have the energy to iron. I often dread going to work, not because work is bad, but simply because I have to leave the house. It sucks to leave the house even more when you’ve started your day out crying & you now look as crappy as you feel.
This weekend, I fell back into a very dark place. A place where after a few very minor setbacks which were anything but minor at the time, I spent nearly the entire day Sunday in bed. I did get up, for a very a short time in the morning, and after throwing a container of Pledge dusting wipes at the front door and then seeing the look on Porter’s face, which can only be described as concern & confusion, I calmed down a bit. I took down the Christmas tree, and as that had wiped any energy I had right out of me, I laid back down on the couch. Honey woke up and told me he didn’t appreciate being told he was going to be left out at the end of the road with the rest of the animals (yes, boys & girls, this was the first thing I said to my husband, before even setting my feet on the floor), so I decided I wasn’t fit to be around anyone & crawled back into bed.
I cried for a long while, slept for a short while, and mostly just laid there thinking. It’s almost too painful to even write the things I was thinking, but if I do write them, maybe it will help me to realize that I didn’t really mean them, because I didn’t. While in the midst of despair, it’s impossible to see that, but I can see it now. At the time, I wished I could un-do everything: I didn’t want my house, my husband, or my baby. It was all too much to deal with, and I felt I was not, nor would I ever be, able to handle it all. If I can’t handle the cats waking me up, how would I ever be able to handle a crying baby? What if I didn’t get back on meds soon enough after the baby’s born? Would I want to drop it off out at the end of the road, too? Would I be one of those mothers you see on TV who went completely berserk?
More things got thrown (2 remotes, a bottle of water, and my alarm clock; nothing broke), and every time Honey came in to see what was wrong, I just screamed at him to leave me alone. He has had to deal with many, many things in his life, but as far as I know, depression is not one of them. And for that reason, he can’t, and may not ever be able to understand how I can feel this way when, in his mind, nothing is really that bad. And he’s right. The things that set me off are not really that bad, but I guess that’s what sets a person who is hormonal apart from someone who is not. I don’t fault Honey for not understanding; I couldn’t possibly when I hardly understand why I am the way I am.
I finally got back out of bed around 4:00 pm, and fell asleep around 9:00 in my comfy chair. Since I was sleeping pretty well, and because Honey wasn’t snoring (he had fallen asleep on the couch), I stayed put. Around 4:00 am, when I was too uncomfortable to fall back asleep, I crawled into bed where I laid wide awake for about an hour. I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day, and that both worried me and made me realize that I didn’t want it un-done. I laid my hands across my belly & rubbed it until I could feel the baby squirming around.
When I heard Honey’s footsteps coming down the hallway, I was so relieved, and it felt so good to have him in bed next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt safer than in those moments with his arm wrapped around my belly. He said he hadn’t felt the baby move yet; that he keeps waiting for it. I told him that while the baby does move quite a bit (mostly at night when I’m laying in bed), I’ve yet to feel it from the outside either. And then I was finally able to fall asleep, a really good sleep.
I wasn’t sure if I would be up for dinner at my mom & step-dad’s tonight as planned, or up for game-night with my brother & Michelle ~ even though a big dose of Hunter-snuggling is probably just what I needed ~ but I’m feeling much better now. I don’t understand how I can feel like my life can be falling apart in one moment, and feel good a few short hours later. I know some therapy would likely do me some good, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to (someone who won’t feel frustrated because they don’t understand why the hell I’m so weepy), but my insurance policy isn’t very kind to those with mental health issues & taking on another expense at this point would just cause more anxiety. I do know something has to give, I just don’t know what.
I just wanted to say a big thank you for listening & for being in my life this past year. Although many of you are strangers in the sense that we will never meet face to face, I consider you all my friends & it is so very comforting to know you are out there & that you care. I hope you all enjoy your New Year’s holiday with your friends & family. I know I will.
And purely by chance, this is my 100th post. To celebrate, I will draw a name at random from those who leave a comment to receive a special hand-made gift.
Edited: I realize that this is a very depressing post to leave a comment on, and perhaps one that some people wouldn’t want to comment on or wouldn’t know what to say. Thank you to Jeru & Jeanetta who have already left me sweet messages that I’m taking to heart. To anyone who wishes to comment for the giveaway, feel free to just say hello, or to comment on any other post I write this week. I promise they will be more lighthearted, and tomorrow I will hopefully have some very good news to share. Thank you again to everyone for your support. I will draw a name on Sunday! TG
Today my dear friend Tanya is having surgery, which makes too many to count for someone of her age & in such a short amount of time. I am hopeful that this will finally make her pain-free, healthy, and that she will have NO MORE SURGERIES in 2008.
welcome to the world, little nephew.
And there’s not much more to say than that 
Wendy, Michelle’s mom was at the hospital visiting when they had brought in the doctor, and she just called my mom to let her know that baby was born & that he had all his fingers & toes. They hadn’t even weighed him yet. Now I have to wait the excruciating hour & a half until I get off work until I can see the baby and give my brother a big hug. I don’t think I can stand it.
Michelle checked into the hospital last night in order to be induced into labor. Yesterday afternoon, after performing some tests & determining there was still plenty of amniotic fluid, the doctor wanted to induce anyway since she was nearing 2 weeks past her due date. They didn’t administer the pitocin until this morning, and I’ve been so anxious all day. Everytime I think about what a huge thing this is ~ my little brother becoming father, I start tearing up. Who am I kidding? “Tearing up” is an understatement; I’ve been crying off & on all damn day! Plus, I feel so badly for Michelle & the pain she must be in. From what I understand, being induced is much more painful than regular labor, and with no breaks in between contractions. Again, just the thought of her being in that much pain makes me cry. I’ve known this day was coming for several months now, so I didn’t expect all these emotions to sneak up on me and in such a overwhelming way. It’s all just so much to comprehend. Oh, man, I’m going to be an absolute wreck when it’s my turn!!
At any rate, I just heard from my mom, who said my brother had just called her to say that they were “calling in the doctor”. I presume that means it’s time to push, and I know even at this point, it can sometimes still take hours, but it’s getting so close! The thought that any minute they could be holding their baby is just too incredible. And on that note, I’m going to click “publish” before I start to cry again.
Adam & I spent last weekend in Anchorage, which is north of Juneau, but I believe it is considered “south central” Alaska. At a population of approximately 279,000, it is by far the most populated city in the state. (Compare to Juneau with a population of about 35,000).
Friday night we had an early dinner at a restaurant near our hotel called the Glacier Brewhouse. They had several IPAs on tap, (Adam’s favorite beer) so he was thrilled. For a moment, I thought maybe I ought to leave he & the waiter alone to discuss the virtures of the perfect IPA. The meal itself was so not worth the $75 tab, but I figured ~ what the hell, we’re on vacation. I even commented to Adam that baby-brain hadn’t totally kicked in, as I was still able to calculate the tip. Leaving the correct amount of money, however, was another matter. Instead of pulling out 4 twenties and a ten, I only left 3 twenties and a ten, causing the waiter to chase us down the street to collect the rest of his money. Whoops. We stayed in the rest of the night & watched Oceans 13 on pay-per-view, which was a good movie, but we did have a hard time following it. FYI, if you ever watch Oceans 13, pay very close attention in the beginning or you’ll be lost for the rest of the movie.
We stayed in bed pretty much all day Saturday, which was really, really nice. The anxiety of everything I should be doing while I was lounging in bed would prevent me from ever doing that at home. Whatever happened to the good ‘ol days with nothing but pure relaxation & lounging about watching sappy movies on the Lifetime Network? Responsibility, that’s what. And sometimes it really stinks.
We did eventually leave our hotel room to walk down to the 5th Avenue Mall, which normally would have been heaven. You ladies in the lower 48 probably don’t understand what a thrill it can be to be in a MALL. Where they have clothes. That you can TRY ON before buying them. In Juneau, we rely heavily on internet shopping & then have to deal with the hassle of returns when things don’t fit.
Sadly, that particular Gap didn’t carry maternity clothes, so my only option was the Motherhood Maternity store. It was strategically placed next to the kid’s clothing stores, like they purposefully put us as far away as possible from all the “hip” shops. Hmmph is what I have to say to that! The only thing I bought was a pair of jeans and some new “maternity” bikini underwear, as mine are getting awfully tight in the hips. (By the way, when I got my new underwear home & opened up the package & saw how big they were, I thought there was no possible way those were going to fit me. Imagine my horror when they did! Yet another shocking pregnancy moment) Anyway, after being thwarted & obviously not cool enough to shop in this mall, I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping. Not even the sight of the Coach store could cheer me up. Honey was a trooper, though, and didn’t complain once about being dragged around from shop to shop. So, it was back to the hotel for another nap before my holiday party.
The holiday party? Not so much fun when you only know 5 out of 67 people, and you can’t even have a glass of wine. All the ladies were in gorgeous party dresses. In nice pants & a top, I just felt like I looked fat & not pregnant. Even Honey in his suit was dressier than me! Don’t we look cute in this photo, though? (taken in our hotel room after the party, using the camera’s timer) Oh, and the gift I won at the exchange? A gift set of Crown Royal, complete with tacky etched glasses. I would have traded for something else, but I figured if I kept the Crown, at least that would save us some cash at our next trip to Costco. We left pretty much right after the gift exchange, and I think we were asleep by 10:00 or 10:30 at the very latest, once again proving how very uncool I am.
Sunday we rented a car & drove south to Girdwood and the Alyeska resort, and a bit further south to Portage Glacier. You can’t actually drive to the glacier like you can at the Mendenhall here in Juneau, but it was gorgeous scenery just the same. The mountains dwarf ours; it would be like having the Chilkats in our backyard. I realize this doesn’t mean much to anyone who hasn’t been to Juneau or seen the Chilkats, but they are a large mountain range waaaaay off in the distance.
We had dinner with our friends Sherrie & Ryan; glacier guides that used to come down for the summers & work at Temsco with Adam. They took us to one of their favorite spots, the Moose’s Tooth, which was on Carrie’s restaurant recommendations in the comments a couple posts back. The pizza was de-lish, as were our side salads. And at $49 for dinner for 4, it was much better priced than the Glacier Brewhouse!
We arrived back at Thrify Car Rental just as the girl was closing up shop. Adam & I both swear that the sign on the door said they closed at 8:00, not 6:00, but whatever. About one second before I was about to totally lose it, she said we could just return the car at the airport, and luckily the airport was easy to get to from where we were. I was worried we were cutting our time short, but by the time we checked in, we had nearly 45 minutes before boarding. I’ve gotten very anxious about flying & having enough time at the airport in my old age. I used to be the queen of getting there “just in time” & was perfectly okay with it, but now I need to be there in plenty of time “just in case”.
My friend & former co-worker Mikaela was on our flight, with her one-year old Elijah. While we were chatting on the plane as people were boarding, Elijah reached out for me to hold him, and then proceeded to snuggle into my chest. Talk about cute! Mikaela used to bring him into work, but I haven’t seen him for a couple of months so I was surprised that I was still familiar to him. Or maybe he’d also reach out to a total stranger.
We arrived back in Juneau to the bitter cold, and trust me, it’s no easier for us to handle than it would be for you Southerners! It’s always good to come home, but even nicer when your mom brings you over leftovers & fruit because she knew you wouldn’t have any food in the house!
After spending the weekend at my mom & Mike’s house, Porter seemed very relieved to be back home, and equally relieved that Adam & I hadn’t abandoned him. He smothered us with kisses in the car ride home, but once home, he crashed out like he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in days. It was as though he could finally relax ~ his people were home, he had his chair to curl up in, and life was good. Don’t get me wrong, he adores going to my mom & Mike’s and loves to play with their dog Sadie, but there always comes that time in the day where he’s ready to be home. Just like his mama.A few months back, my bathtub drain was clogged. The problem was quickly resolved with a bottle of Drano. Within that same week, we gave Porter a bath, which is an entirely different, and much more amusing story, and my bathtub drain became clogged once again. Ever since, I have been calf-deep in bath water everytime I take a shower. Forget about taking a long, leisurely shower on the weekends, because my bathtub would have overflowed. I have spent close to $50 on various drain-unclogging products, all to no avail.
This weekend, Honey went into the crawl-space to take apart the pipes and remove the source of the problem. I just hoped he wasn’t going to show me whatever he found. He came back from under the house only to announce that the plastic pvc piping was glued tight. Having to hire a plumber simply to unclog a drain was so not on my list of things to do. My anxiety level was already running high because I had finally gotten the last of the body work done on my car from my accident last spring and my car was still making noises it ought not be making. These are things that Tracy-on-Zoloft could handle. Tracy without Zoloft, not so much. I don’t do well with things like this ~ multiple things happening at once, things that are out of my control although easily solved with a simple phonecall to a professional. They just seem so out of my reach, you know? I’d rather curl up in my chair and not attempt to find a solution.
Honey, on the other hand, in a uncharacteristic moment (he usually gives up, too), took the one wire hangar I had; one from the dry cleaners with the felt covering it to protect our fine garments, and shoved it down the bathtub drain to loosen the massive hair glob. Except that he couldn’t. The hanger would only go so far before it stopped against something metallic. It was at this point that he called me into the bathroom.
Honey, have you tried putting the drain stopper down?
Of course, I’m thinking, no, I did not try putting the drain stopper down. I was so stunned at my stupidity, however, I literally couldn’t say anything. I could have been stubborn, I could have been indignant & said I never put the drain stopper up, because I hadn’t. Instead, I just stood there & grinned like an idiot. And was thankful as hell we hadn’t gone through the humiliation of calling a plumber.
More importantly, I love that Honey can still surprise me. Yes, it was a simple fix, but like I said, he normally would have given up, too. It’s like now that I’m unable to deal with certain things, he has realized that we have to have at least one person our household that can cope, and for that I’m very appreciative.
Oh, let’s see….what’s been going on…..
Friday night Honey & I attended a banquet & auction for S.A.I.L., a non-profit providing assistance for people with disabilities. I used to work for them & still volunteer for occasionally at their fundraising events. Anyway, I had a couple dresses that were a little too big that I thought I would have no trouble fitting into. HA! Shocking that I was surprised that an extra 15 pounds makes that big of a difference, isn’t it? Ummm, yeah….
So I squeezed into the lesser of the tighter two dresses, and with my favorite black sweater from Anthropologie, it didn’t look too bad. Plus, have I mentioned (this week) that I have cleavage now?
We arrived at the banquet, were shown to our table, sat & visited with some friends for a minute, and since we arrived 30 minutes late, we got there just in time for dinner being served. Being pregnant & starving, I waited only an obligatory minute or so before we made our way to the fast-forming buffet line. And here’s where I experienced another pregnancy-first: when I stood up, my tights rolled down my belly like a little old lady with knee-high stockings rolled down at the top, you know?
I’m sure there will be many more pregnancy-firsts, but this one took me by surprise.
And here’s your token cute-pet photo. Adam fell asleep on the couch Sunday night with the cats. That would be Riley-cat on Adam’s belly, and the fat, black blob on the cushion is Mendy. Porter couldn’t leave them be & had to come for some kitty-lovin’. He was actually being quite gentle with Riley. He so wants to play with the cats but hasn’t figured out that he’s too big & obnoxious for that to happen. They just look at him like, DUDE, what are you thinking?? We’re small!!
I’ve been crafting a bit, but not nearly as much as I’d like. There’s never enough time in the day, is there? This notebook was a custom order for my mom, and I just love the retro holiday paper. I wish I had bought more than 4 sheets of it. I think this is one of my favorite creations; there’s nothing about it that I don’t like. Usually I can pick apart my designs & find a flaw or two, but not with this one! I love that I finally used the tiny holly leaf buttons that I’ve had for a few years now. I’m trying really hard to be good & not buy loads of crafting supplies until I start using up what I have, but with so many cute things out there, it’s not always easy! Please tell me I’m not alone in rationalizing not-necessary craft purchases. Lastly, I’ve got a question for all the mamas out there. Next week, Honey & I have our next OB appointment. It’s the one where they’d do the genetic testing, if we were inclined to do so. My feelings are to pass on the testing, that I have enough to worry about as it is without worrying about false-positives. I’d much prefer to go on believing my baby is perfectly healthy. Honey wants to do the testing because he used to work with disabled youths, and if our baby has anything wrong (I hate to even use that word) with it, he wants to know so we can be prepared. My mom has a cousin who has an autistic son, and that’s the closest relative I have with any form of disabilities, mental or physically. Our doctor said that’s far enough away from me that we don’t really have anything to worry about. She said they also test for spina bifida, but I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins with folic acid since before I got pregnant, and I know that’s supposed to be a big factor in preventing that.
So, I’m curious what your thoughts are. Did you have the testing done? Did any of you have false positives? Did you & your spouses disagree on whether or not to do the testing? Adam said if I don’t want to have it done, we won’t have it done, but I’m still considering it for his sake. I just really don’t want to spend the next 6 months worrying about something else, you know?
Hello, my dear internet friends. Honey googled me one day & finally found my blog. He reminded me that I haven’t written since the 4th of October. He also said good job for not trashing him on the internet, and that in the future when I’m pissed at him, I should read my blog since I portray him in such good light. Indeed, Honey has been a prince during these last 2 months of hormone hell. At any rate, not only have I not written for at least a month, but I haven’t even been reading about what all you fabulous people have been up to. I’m sure you’ve been creating your hearts out, have been preparing for the holiday season, and have dressed your kids up as various animals and cartoon characters. I’m sure one day soon, once I’ve closed a few loops (that was for Jerusalem’s benefit), I’ll sit & read for hours & smile at your lovely lives.
Anyway, catching up starting backwards, today we had our first snowfall of the sesaon. Normally, the first snowfall is mixed rain & snow, and lasts a very short while. But today it snowed all day, accumulating about 4 inches at our house. Doodles was pleased.
I also got my first issue of Victoria ~ horray! Well, not my first issue, of course, but you know what I mean. AND, Honey got his drivers license today! Yes, my 26 year old husband finally is licensed to drive. After moving here from California in 1999, he lived downtown & worked downtown. We have the same work schedule, so when we bought our house in the “valley”, we drove into town together. And even though we don’t talk much during our 15-20 minute commute (ha!), other than the occasional commentary on an NPR news tidbit, I really love that we have that time together. Anyway, Honey still maintains he does not want his license & that he only got it because I got pregnant & he had to. I don’t care ~ he got his license, and you have no idea how big of a milestone this is in our lives. There are countless people who have hounded him on my behalf for years, and even though he says he’s not happy he got his license, he was thinking of who he should call to tell. How cute is that?!
Weekend before last, I went to Seattle for a few days to see my girl Tanya. I was in such a bad state of mind that she & my sweet mama bought me a plane ticket to get the hell out of here & escape my life for a few days. Tanya & I stayed in a fancy hotel downtown, I got my haircut which I unforunately hate, I bought maternity clothes courtesy of my Aunt Georgia, ate orange beef at my most favorite Seattle restaurant, Shanghai Garden, had a really nice visit with Aunt Georgia, my cousin Tony, his wife Lisa & their precious little baby Lucas, and went to a spa. If you find yourself in Seattle, I highly recommend a day at Ummelina’s. The smells alone are worth it. Mmmm, lavender….
We got manicures & massages, and while we waited for our treatments, we got a foot soak. The manicure was like a massage in itself. I was lying down, & before actually doing my nails, she massaged my arms & hands. I slipped into a relaxed state of being that rarely happens. Even my massage, as lovely as it was, wasn’t as relaxing as my manicure.
I’m now at about 13 weeks, 14 weeks if you go by my date of conception & not by the ultrasound measurements. This photo is at 11 (12) weeks. I’ve been taking self-portraits, so I’m a little twisted. My belly has grown considerably, especially after a big dinner. It actually looks small to me in this photo. I still fight the urge to suck it in, but mostly I’m like, why bother? I had been squishing myself into jeans that I could barely squish myself into, fastening them closed with a rubberband. Honey would say to me, ummm, your zipper’s down. I would respond with MY ZIPPER DOESN’T GO UP ANY FARTHER! It felt really comfortable to finally have some maternity jeans & let it all hang out.
More importantly, my hormones have finally leveled out. And can I just say, THANK GOD. The past two months I’ve been in the worst kind of hell. I was so completely miserable and I honestly didn’t think I would survive my pregnancy. I have decided that if I’m on anti-anxiety/depression meds again, and if we ever get pregnant again, I cannot go off them until the 2nd trimester. I am not equipped to handle the hormonal changes, and it’s not fair to Honey to put him through that again, either. The weird thing is, even though this was all in the very recent past, it’s hard to remember just how badly I felt. And there really aren’t words, anyway. I’m thankful now that I can start to enjoy my pregnancy, whereas as recently as 3 weeks ago, it was merely something that was destroying my life & my sanity. At the time, the only positive I could think of was that I had cleavage for the first time in my life. It pained me that I was so unhappy about what was supposed to be the most beautiful thing I’d ever experience. And even worse, there was a teensy part of me that didn’t want to be pregnant & knowing that if I did miscarry, I’d never have the strength to do this again. Intellectually, I knew I was incredibly lucky to be pregnant, especially when there are so many women who are desperate for a child & can’t conceive. I would see a husband & wife with a baby & I’d know I wanted that, & that’s what got me through the craziness. That and my amazing husband, family & friends. Now, I know I’ll be okay.
My other huge news is that I finally quit my job! I had interviewed with, and subsequently received a job offer from a CPA firm & started work November 1st. While my anxiety hasn’t completely subsided, it’s really nice to go to work & know that I will be treated with respect. My previous boss was so demotivating that my work had begun to suffer for it, which wasn’t fair to myself or to my boss. I don’t believe I performed badly on purpose; I still did good work, just not great work & I was certainly not working to my full potential. I had long since given up trying to make any changes for the better. It was a big job for one person, and truthfully, a lot for me to keep track of & to keep on top of everything all the time. It didn’t help that my boss would want to change things around, requiring me to re-do 9 months of inventory adjustments. With that kind of mentality, I know I should have quit a long time ago, but fear of working somewhere even worse (and the fact that I was well-paid) kept me there for far too long. But, I’m gone now & I can’t help but wonder what the hell took me so long.
Well, we did indeed have a bear in our neighborhood….can you see her? I didn’t crop or zoom because I wanted you to see just how close this little cutie was. I was across the street, and the bear was at the end of the very short cul-de-sac. All in all, pretty damn close. This time of year they lurk around neighborhoods in search of food, and have even been known to come inside of apartment buildings & homes. Bet you’re not used to hearing that on your morning news!
Lastly, I leave you with some photos of beautiful Juneau & the Mendenhall Glacier. This, this beauty is the reason why I continue to live here, where we get 180 inches of rain a year.
Doodles gets so freakin’ happy when we take him to the Glacier, he can hardly contain himself. I swear, as he’s running around the lake & through the shrubbery, he gets a look on his face that can only say ~ They really do love me! Oddly, that dog will avoid a muddle **edited ** MUD PUDDLE! like the plague, but give him a glacial lake, and he’s all over it.
If I had a lovely picture that expresses my gratitude, I would, but I’m at work & just really wanted to get this out ~ THANK YOU! Thank you to my mom, to Jerusalem, to Jeanetta, to Melissa for all your encouragement & support. And to Tanya, who was on the phone with me for 2 hours last night while she talked me down from my metaphorical ledge. She saved me, and helped me to see things in a new perspective. I feel like I am seeing more clearly today than I have in a long time, or at least since I became pregnant. There’s no way I could get through this without the help of my wonderful friends ~ even Melissa, who may be a total stranger, but who has been so sweet with her comments. While I don’t want to be a drain on my family & friends, it’s nice to know that when I need help, all I have to do is ask.
