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I don’t want to admit that she’s nearly 16 months old, which means she’s nearly 18 months old, and that just means she’s on her way to being a teenager. And I’m not ready for that. I want her to stay innocent and pure, imaginative, silly, my sweet little girl.
First off, an update on Tanya: she is back home from surgery & all appears to have gone well. Phew.
I wish I could say all has been merry & bright these past couple of months in terms of my pregnancy, but alas, I cannot. And since a while back I wrote about being honest, I feel compelled to be honest again now. I have felt myself drifting away again, but since I tend to get somewhat melancholy around the holidays, and because I am often affected by seasonal affective disorder (and because this winter has been particularly gross without much snow), I ignored it. I ignored my frequent feelings of just wanting to be alone (offset by my neediness & feeling completely lonely when Honey falls asleep before I do) and my feelings of slipping back into depression. I think I just always hope ~ tomorrow I will feel better. And sometimes I do. And then sometimes I wake up angry at the world, pissed because Honey’s snoring has woken me up countless times during the night, or because Riley-cat has decided he needs to get into the bathroom cupboard. (And let me clarify that I’m not pissed directly at Honey because I know he can’t help that he snores when he sleeps on his back). This is all exasperated by little things like my curling iron cord getting stuck on the bathroom cupboard knob, or not being able to find the sweater I wanted to wear; the one non-wrinkly item of clothing I had because I don’t have the energy to iron. I often dread going to work, not because work is bad, but simply because I have to leave the house. It sucks to leave the house even more when you’ve started your day out crying & you now look as crappy as you feel.
This weekend, I fell back into a very dark place. A place where after a few very minor setbacks which were anything but minor at the time, I spent nearly the entire day Sunday in bed. I did get up, for a very a short time in the morning, and after throwing a container of Pledge dusting wipes at the front door and then seeing the look on Porter’s face, which can only be described as concern & confusion, I calmed down a bit. I took down the Christmas tree, and as that had wiped any energy I had right out of me, I laid back down on the couch. Honey woke up and told me he didn’t appreciate being told he was going to be left out at the end of the road with the rest of the animals (yes, boys & girls, this was the first thing I said to my husband, before even setting my feet on the floor), so I decided I wasn’t fit to be around anyone & crawled back into bed.
I cried for a long while, slept for a short while, and mostly just laid there thinking. It’s almost too painful to even write the things I was thinking, but if I do write them, maybe it will help me to realize that I didn’t really mean them, because I didn’t. While in the midst of despair, it’s impossible to see that, but I can see it now. At the time, I wished I could un-do everything: I didn’t want my house, my husband, or my baby. It was all too much to deal with, and I felt I was not, nor would I ever be, able to handle it all. If I can’t handle the cats waking me up, how would I ever be able to handle a crying baby? What if I didn’t get back on meds soon enough after the baby’s born? Would I want to drop it off out at the end of the road, too? Would I be one of those mothers you see on TV who went completely berserk?
More things got thrown (2 remotes, a bottle of water, and my alarm clock; nothing broke), and every time Honey came in to see what was wrong, I just screamed at him to leave me alone. He has had to deal with many, many things in his life, but as far as I know, depression is not one of them. And for that reason, he can’t, and may not ever be able to understand how I can feel this way when, in his mind, nothing is really that bad. And he’s right. The things that set me off are not really that bad, but I guess that’s what sets a person who is hormonal apart from someone who is not. I don’t fault Honey for not understanding; I couldn’t possibly when I hardly understand why I am the way I am.
I finally got back out of bed around 4:00 pm, and fell asleep around 9:00 in my comfy chair. Since I was sleeping pretty well, and because Honey wasn’t snoring (he had fallen asleep on the couch), I stayed put. Around 4:00 am, when I was too uncomfortable to fall back asleep, I crawled into bed where I laid wide awake for about an hour. I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day, and that both worried me and made me realize that I didn’t want it un-done. I laid my hands across my belly & rubbed it until I could feel the baby squirming around.
When I heard Honey’s footsteps coming down the hallway, I was so relieved, and it felt so good to have him in bed next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt safer than in those moments with his arm wrapped around my belly. He said he hadn’t felt the baby move yet; that he keeps waiting for it. I told him that while the baby does move quite a bit (mostly at night when I’m laying in bed), I’ve yet to feel it from the outside either. And then I was finally able to fall asleep, a really good sleep.
I wasn’t sure if I would be up for dinner at my mom & step-dad’s tonight as planned, or up for game-night with my brother & Michelle ~ even though a big dose of Hunter-snuggling is probably just what I needed ~ but I’m feeling much better now. I don’t understand how I can feel like my life can be falling apart in one moment, and feel good a few short hours later. I know some therapy would likely do me some good, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to (someone who won’t feel frustrated because they don’t understand why the hell I’m so weepy), but my insurance policy isn’t very kind to those with mental health issues & taking on another expense at this point would just cause more anxiety. I do know something has to give, I just don’t know what.
I just wanted to say a big thank you for listening & for being in my life this past year. Although many of you are strangers in the sense that we will never meet face to face, I consider you all my friends & it is so very comforting to know you are out there & that you care. I hope you all enjoy your New Year’s holiday with your friends & family. I know I will.
And purely by chance, this is my 100th post. To celebrate, I will draw a name at random from those who leave a comment to receive a special hand-made gift.
Edited: I realize that this is a very depressing post to leave a comment on, and perhaps one that some people wouldn’t want to comment on or wouldn’t know what to say. Thank you to Jeru & Jeanetta who have already left me sweet messages that I’m taking to heart. To anyone who wishes to comment for the giveaway, feel free to just say hello, or to comment on any other post I write this week. I promise they will be more lighthearted, and tomorrow I will hopefully have some very good news to share. Thank you again to everyone for your support. I will draw a name on Sunday! TG
Does anyone else feel sad & lonely today? I spend all day Christmas with my husband & my family, and then I’m suddenly thrust back into work & I just feel lonely. Even my radio isn’t coming in very clear, which seems oddly fitting with the way I feel today. Just a bit off.
I want to be at home cuddling with Honey & Porter, who last night must have felt lonely too, because he decided he needed to lay on me, not just next to me. Honey had already fallen asleep on the couch, my lonliness had set in, and so I let him stay there even though a 55 pound dog lying across my belly wasn’t entirely comfortable. If Honey had witnessed that scene, he would have been miffed, because I often tell him his arm is too heavy when he drapes it across my belly when we’re asleep. Except, once he told me that when he put his arm across my waist & his hand rested on my belly, he was imagining what it would be like if there was a baby in there. I told myself that when I became pregnant, I would always let him put his hand on my belly.
I want to be at home, putting away my new goodies, putting away Christmas, and basically restoring order to my home. As much as I love Christmas and the entire month of planning, decorating, and celebrating, it will be a welcome relief to have life back to normal; to not have anything Christmas-related on my to-do list. I want to be tying up my loose ends & closing my loops so as to reduce my anxiety & free up space in my mind. Space that I will fill up with baby-planning, and reading my pregnancy books that I’ve not had time to read this past month.
I want to be at home watching our new DVD’s, of which we received many. Chic-flicks for me, and for Honey, I bought Ratatoullie and the Planet Earth series, He loves to watch anything on the Discovery or National Geographic channel. The other night, we both fell asleep in the living room, and I woke up to a show on giant turtles. The turtle had ensnared himself in a trap or something else he was otherwise unable to escape from, and wound up cooking himself from the heat ~ just moments before the tide had come up & freed him. It killed me to know that this poor turtle had baked to death, when there was a cameraman there who could have saved him. It was more than this pregnant gal (with “extra” feelings normally) could handle. When I told Adam about how much it bothered me, he said they’re not allowed to interfere, but it still seemed cruel to me. Even knowing the turtle’s death was part of the cycle of things in the animal world by becoming shark food didn’t make me feel any better. If I were at home today, I would not be watching a show about dying turtles.
I have officially wrapped my last gift. (Doodles was exhausted just watching it all). Honey & I are having roasted chicken & stuffing for dinner tonight, will likely turn on a 24 hours of A Christmas Story, and at some point, take Doodles out for a walk.
We had not-quite-Christmas Eve dinner last night with Bucky, Michelle & baby Hunter, and tomorrow after having a big breakfast at home, we’ll spend the day between my mom & step-dad’s house, and my dad & step-mom’s house. While it may sound crazy-hectic, it’s really all very relaxed.
However you are spending your day tomorrow, I hope you are surrounded by your families, too.
Yesterday I was quite convinced I was coming down with a cold. My sinuses were bothering me more than usual, I felt like my throat was closing up, and I felt light-headed. This morning, thankfully, I am feeling better. Still having sinus troubles, but no more so than every day the past 2 months. I refuse to be sick for Christmas!
Okay, so don’t judge me or think I’m totally weird, but I will forever associate the holidays with soap operas. That right, I said, soap operas. I think the reason being is because when I was on Christmas break in high school, I often spent my afternoons watching All my Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. For many many years, we didn’t have cable, and when you don’t have cable, you get one fuzzy channel that is a combination of ABC and NBC. This meant that the only shows available to me were the soaps. The soaps were filled with pretty people, with perfect hair and perfect makeup, and they were always going to a holiday ball. And I (foolishly) wished I could be like them, with a perfectly scripted life. Now I know better, although I do sometimes wish I came with a script.
White Christmas Forecasted.
Friday night we had an early dinner at a restaurant near our hotel called the Glacier Brewhouse. They had several IPAs on tap, (Adam’s favorite beer) so he was thrilled. For a moment, I thought maybe I ought to leave he & the waiter alone to discuss the virtures of the perfect IPA. The meal itself was so not worth the $75 tab, but I figured ~ what the hell, we’re on vacation. I even commented to Adam that baby-brain hadn’t totally kicked in, as I was still able to calculate the tip. Leaving the correct amount of money, however, was another matter. Instead of pulling out 4 twenties and a ten, I only left 3 twenties and a ten, causing the waiter to chase us down the street to collect the rest of his money. Whoops. We stayed in the rest of the night & watched Oceans 13 on pay-per-view, which was a good movie, but we did have a hard time following it. FYI, if you ever watch Oceans 13, pay very close attention in the beginning or you’ll be lost for the rest of the movie.
We stayed in bed pretty much all day Saturday, which was really, really nice. The anxiety of everything I should be doing while I was lounging in bed would prevent me from ever doing that at home. Whatever happened to the good ‘ol days with nothing but pure relaxation & lounging about watching sappy movies on the Lifetime Network? Responsibility, that’s what. And sometimes it really stinks.
We did eventually leave our hotel room to walk down to the 5th Avenue Mall, which normally would have been heaven. You ladies in the lower 48 probably don’t understand what a thrill it can be to be in a MALL. Where they have clothes. That you can TRY ON before buying them. In Juneau, we rely heavily on internet shopping & then have to deal with the hassle of returns when things don’t fit.
Sadly, that particular Gap didn’t carry maternity clothes, so my only option was the Motherhood Maternity store. It was strategically placed next to the kid’s clothing stores, like they purposefully put us as far away as possible from all the “hip” shops. Hmmph is what I have to say to that! The only thing I bought was a pair of jeans and some new “maternity” bikini underwear, as mine are getting awfully tight in the hips. (By the way, when I got my new underwear home & opened up the package & saw how big they were, I thought there was no possible way those were going to fit me. Imagine my horror when they did! Yet another shocking pregnancy moment) Anyway, after being thwarted & obviously not cool enough to shop in this mall, I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping. Not even the sight of the Coach store could cheer me up. Honey was a trooper, though, and didn’t complain once about being dragged around from shop to shop. So, it was back to the hotel for another nap before my holiday party.
The holiday party? Not so much fun when you only know 5 out of 67 people, and you can’t even have a glass of wine. All the ladies were in gorgeous party dresses. In nice pants & a top, I just felt like I looked fat & not pregnant. Even Honey in his suit was dressier than me! Don’t we look cute in this photo, though? (taken in our hotel room after the party, using the camera’s timer) Oh, and the gift I won at the exchange? A gift set of Crown Royal, complete with tacky etched glasses. I would have traded for something else, but I figured if I kept the Crown, at least that would save us some cash at our next trip to Costco. We left pretty much right after the gift exchange, and I think we were asleep by 10:00 or 10:30 at the very latest, once again proving how very uncool I am.
Sunday we rented a car & drove south to Girdwood and the Alyeska resort, and a bit further south to Portage Glacier. You can’t actually drive to the glacier like you can at the Mendenhall here in Juneau, but it was gorgeous scenery just the same. The mountains dwarf ours; it would be like having the Chilkats in our backyard. I realize this doesn’t mean much to anyone who hasn’t been to Juneau or seen the Chilkats, but they are a large mountain range waaaaay off in the distance.
We had dinner with our friends Sherrie & Ryan; glacier guides that used to come down for the summers & work at Temsco with Adam. They took us to one of their favorite spots, the Moose’s Tooth, which was on Carrie’s restaurant recommendations in the comments a couple posts back. The pizza was de-lish, as were our side salads. And at $49 for dinner for 4, it was much better priced than the Glacier Brewhouse!
My friend & former co-worker Mikaela was on our flight, with her one-year old Elijah. While we were chatting on the plane as people were boarding, Elijah reached out for me to hold him, and then proceeded to snuggle into my chest. Talk about cute! Mikaela used to bring him into work, but I haven’t seen him for a couple of months so I was surprised that I was still familiar to him. Or maybe he’d also reach out to a total stranger.
We arrived back in Juneau to the bitter cold, and trust me, it’s no easier for us to handle than it would be for you Southerners! It’s always good to come home, but even nicer when your mom brings you over leftovers & fruit because she knew you wouldn’t have any food in the house!
I’ve started writing a post all about the wonder that is the Christmas season, but for now, I’m just going to post this little poll: I’m curious what are your favorite holiday movies & albums. Every year, I try to purchase a new movie or two, and perhaps a new cd, but I’m running out of options! I’ve got all the old standbys, & am starting to branch out into some random titles.
Some of my favorite holiday movies aren’t necessarily “Christmas” movies, but may just be set around the holiday, like The Family Stone. Now, if you have not see this movie, I insist that you do. I love it more & more each time I watch it. I don’t think I own another movie that evokes so many emotions. I started out hating Diane Keaton (like it’s even possible to hate Diane Keaton!), to realizing she just loves her kids with all her heart, and that sometimes parents really do know best. Okay, I’m not going to say anymore; you just have to see it for yourself.
Also in my collection is A Christmas Story, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, which I usually watch at least one other time throughout the year, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Holiday and a couple other random movies that I’ve bought from Amazon but can’t remember their titles. I also love Home Alone, which I don’t own, and I’m sure I have others but am drawing a complete blank.
What are your favorite movies? Maybe they’re just movies you associate with the holiday season, like Sleepless in Seattle or You’ve Got Mail?
And the holiday music ~ the stuff that makes me happy just thinking about it! At the top of my list are Harry Connick’s two albums, but my favorite is When my Heart Finds Christmas. Putting aside that it’s Harry Connick & he’s just plain dreamy, that album has both an orchestral & a jazzy quality that I love. The best song is I Pray on Christmas, which to listen to properly, must be turned up very loud. There are certain songs that move me to tears or produce goosebumps, and this is one of those songs. It makes me rethink my attitude about Christmas & life in general whenever I hear it. When Adam reads this, he’s going to think I’m nuts, but I don’t care.
I also love Christmas with the Rat Pack, the Time Life Treasury Collection, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Manheim Steamroller, and one of my new favorites is Ray Charles’ Christmas album. (most of these have been purchased on Amazon) The Ray Charles album has the song that plays in the part in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when Clark gets stuck in the attic & is watching old family movies ~ you know that part? And it also has the version of (I think it was) Jingle Bells from When Harry Met Sally, where Sally is trying to pick out a Christmas tree and Harry watches on in frustration. (PS, that would be the equivalent of me trying to pick out just the right tree while Adam is hoping that this one is the right one, and we won’t have to make another trek up & down the isles of trees) Anyway, I know I have other Christmas albums but since I don’t have them in front of me, I can’t list them all.
I’d love to hear what your favorites; the things that you can’t go without watching every year, or the album you look forward to listening to first. And by the way, am I the only one who loves the “24 hours of a Christmas Story” that they play on TV every year?