You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2007.
First off, an update on Tanya: she is back home from surgery & all appears to have gone well. Phew.
I wish I could say all has been merry & bright these past couple of months in terms of my pregnancy, but alas, I cannot. And since a while back I wrote about being honest, I feel compelled to be honest again now. I have felt myself drifting away again, but since I tend to get somewhat melancholy around the holidays, and because I am often affected by seasonal affective disorder (and because this winter has been particularly gross without much snow), I ignored it. I ignored my frequent feelings of just wanting to be alone (offset by my neediness & feeling completely lonely when Honey falls asleep before I do) and my feelings of slipping back into depression. I think I just always hope ~ tomorrow I will feel better. And sometimes I do. And then sometimes I wake up angry at the world, pissed because Honey’s snoring has woken me up countless times during the night, or because Riley-cat has decided he needs to get into the bathroom cupboard. (And let me clarify that I’m not pissed directly at Honey because I know he can’t help that he snores when he sleeps on his back). This is all exasperated by little things like my curling iron cord getting stuck on the bathroom cupboard knob, or not being able to find the sweater I wanted to wear; the one non-wrinkly item of clothing I had because I don’t have the energy to iron. I often dread going to work, not because work is bad, but simply because I have to leave the house. It sucks to leave the house even more when you’ve started your day out crying & you now look as crappy as you feel.
This weekend, I fell back into a very dark place. A place where after a few very minor setbacks which were anything but minor at the time, I spent nearly the entire day Sunday in bed. I did get up, for a very a short time in the morning, and after throwing a container of Pledge dusting wipes at the front door and then seeing the look on Porter’s face, which can only be described as concern & confusion, I calmed down a bit. I took down the Christmas tree, and as that had wiped any energy I had right out of me, I laid back down on the couch. Honey woke up and told me he didn’t appreciate being told he was going to be left out at the end of the road with the rest of the animals (yes, boys & girls, this was the first thing I said to my husband, before even setting my feet on the floor), so I decided I wasn’t fit to be around anyone & crawled back into bed.
I cried for a long while, slept for a short while, and mostly just laid there thinking. It’s almost too painful to even write the things I was thinking, but if I do write them, maybe it will help me to realize that I didn’t really mean them, because I didn’t. While in the midst of despair, it’s impossible to see that, but I can see it now. At the time, I wished I could un-do everything: I didn’t want my house, my husband, or my baby. It was all too much to deal with, and I felt I was not, nor would I ever be, able to handle it all. If I can’t handle the cats waking me up, how would I ever be able to handle a crying baby? What if I didn’t get back on meds soon enough after the baby’s born? Would I want to drop it off out at the end of the road, too? Would I be one of those mothers you see on TV who went completely berserk?
More things got thrown (2 remotes, a bottle of water, and my alarm clock; nothing broke), and every time Honey came in to see what was wrong, I just screamed at him to leave me alone. He has had to deal with many, many things in his life, but as far as I know, depression is not one of them. And for that reason, he can’t, and may not ever be able to understand how I can feel this way when, in his mind, nothing is really that bad. And he’s right. The things that set me off are not really that bad, but I guess that’s what sets a person who is hormonal apart from someone who is not. I don’t fault Honey for not understanding; I couldn’t possibly when I hardly understand why I am the way I am.
I finally got back out of bed around 4:00 pm, and fell asleep around 9:00 in my comfy chair. Since I was sleeping pretty well, and because Honey wasn’t snoring (he had fallen asleep on the couch), I stayed put. Around 4:00 am, when I was too uncomfortable to fall back asleep, I crawled into bed where I laid wide awake for about an hour. I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day, and that both worried me and made me realize that I didn’t want it un-done. I laid my hands across my belly & rubbed it until I could feel the baby squirming around.
When I heard Honey’s footsteps coming down the hallway, I was so relieved, and it felt so good to have him in bed next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt safer than in those moments with his arm wrapped around my belly. He said he hadn’t felt the baby move yet; that he keeps waiting for it. I told him that while the baby does move quite a bit (mostly at night when I’m laying in bed), I’ve yet to feel it from the outside either. And then I was finally able to fall asleep, a really good sleep.
I wasn’t sure if I would be up for dinner at my mom & step-dad’s tonight as planned, or up for game-night with my brother & Michelle ~ even though a big dose of Hunter-snuggling is probably just what I needed ~ but I’m feeling much better now. I don’t understand how I can feel like my life can be falling apart in one moment, and feel good a few short hours later. I know some therapy would likely do me some good, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to (someone who won’t feel frustrated because they don’t understand why the hell I’m so weepy), but my insurance policy isn’t very kind to those with mental health issues & taking on another expense at this point would just cause more anxiety. I do know something has to give, I just don’t know what.
I just wanted to say a big thank you for listening & for being in my life this past year. Although many of you are strangers in the sense that we will never meet face to face, I consider you all my friends & it is so very comforting to know you are out there & that you care. I hope you all enjoy your New Year’s holiday with your friends & family. I know I will.
And purely by chance, this is my 100th post. To celebrate, I will draw a name at random from those who leave a comment to receive a special hand-made gift.
Edited: I realize that this is a very depressing post to leave a comment on, and perhaps one that some people wouldn’t want to comment on or wouldn’t know what to say. Thank you to Jeru & Jeanetta who have already left me sweet messages that I’m taking to heart. To anyone who wishes to comment for the giveaway, feel free to just say hello, or to comment on any other post I write this week. I promise they will be more lighthearted, and tomorrow I will hopefully have some very good news to share. Thank you again to everyone for your support. I will draw a name on Sunday! TG
Today my dear friend Tanya is having surgery, which makes too many to count for someone of her age & in such a short amount of time. I am hopeful that this will finally make her pain-free, healthy, and that she will have NO MORE SURGERIES in 2008.
Does anyone else feel sad & lonely today? I spend all day Christmas with my husband & my family, and then I’m suddenly thrust back into work & I just feel lonely. Even my radio isn’t coming in very clear, which seems oddly fitting with the way I feel today. Just a bit off.
I want to be at home cuddling with Honey & Porter, who last night must have felt lonely too, because he decided he needed to lay on me, not just next to me. Honey had already fallen asleep on the couch, my lonliness had set in, and so I let him stay there even though a 55 pound dog lying across my belly wasn’t entirely comfortable. If Honey had witnessed that scene, he would have been miffed, because I often tell him his arm is too heavy when he drapes it across my belly when we’re asleep. Except, once he told me that when he put his arm across my waist & his hand rested on my belly, he was imagining what it would be like if there was a baby in there. I told myself that when I became pregnant, I would always let him put his hand on my belly.
I want to be at home, putting away my new goodies, putting away Christmas, and basically restoring order to my home. As much as I love Christmas and the entire month of planning, decorating, and celebrating, it will be a welcome relief to have life back to normal; to not have anything Christmas-related on my to-do list. I want to be tying up my loose ends & closing my loops so as to reduce my anxiety & free up space in my mind. Space that I will fill up with baby-planning, and reading my pregnancy books that I’ve not had time to read this past month.
I want to be at home watching our new DVD’s, of which we received many. Chic-flicks for me, and for Honey, I bought Ratatoullie and the Planet Earth series, He loves to watch anything on the Discovery or National Geographic channel. The other night, we both fell asleep in the living room, and I woke up to a show on giant turtles. The turtle had ensnared himself in a trap or something else he was otherwise unable to escape from, and wound up cooking himself from the heat ~ just moments before the tide had come up & freed him. It killed me to know that this poor turtle had baked to death, when there was a cameraman there who could have saved him. It was more than this pregnant gal (with “extra” feelings normally) could handle. When I told Adam about how much it bothered me, he said they’re not allowed to interfere, but it still seemed cruel to me. Even knowing the turtle’s death was part of the cycle of things in the animal world by becoming shark food didn’t make me feel any better. If I were at home today, I would not be watching a show about dying turtles.
I have officially wrapped my last gift. (Doodles was exhausted just watching it all). Honey & I are having roasted chicken & stuffing for dinner tonight, will likely turn on a 24 hours of A Christmas Story, and at some point, take Doodles out for a walk.
We had not-quite-Christmas Eve dinner last night with Bucky, Michelle & baby Hunter, and tomorrow after having a big breakfast at home, we’ll spend the day between my mom & step-dad’s house, and my dad & step-mom’s house. While it may sound crazy-hectic, it’s really all very relaxed.
However you are spending your day tomorrow, I hope you are surrounded by your families, too.
Last night I dragged Honey to see P.S. I Love You, and I absolutely loved it. Honey, of course, thought it sucked. He’s not one for chic flicks, although he did say that once we own it and he’s seen it 4 times, maybe he’ll grow to like it. At least that’s something!
I must have cried about 8 different times during this movie, and I know I wasn’t alone because I could hear sniffling coming from all sides. I’m sorry, but if you are in a relationship, or more specifically, are married to the love of your life, and you don’t cry during this movie, you’re just dead inside.
This movie made me really think about my marriage, and how it doesn’t occur to me that it could be cut short. I married Honey with the belief that we will grow old together, and I never once considered the possibility that he could die young. If I allowed myself to think about such things, I probably never would have married him because the thought of losing him would hurt way too much.
P.S. brought up a whole mess of emotions that I never even knew existed. I could empathize with Hilary Swank’s character more than any other character I’ve watched in years. I could feel in my heart what it would feel like to be a widow at age 30, and it sucked. When you marry the man you love, that’s not supposed to happen, you know? How do you ever get over that? How do you get out of bed in the morning? Go to work? Move on? Smile? Allow yourself to fall in love again? I just can’t imagine how I’d ever get over losing Honey.
So, go watch this movie. Cry, laugh, give your husband a big hug, and treat your marriage as if every day could be its last.
This morning I was about to nudge/poke/kick Honey to roll over so he’d quit snoring until I realized it was not Honey snoring, but rather a dog barking outside for no apparent reason. And I have very little tolerance for dogs who bark for no apparent reason, nor for dog owners who let their dogs stay outside barking instead of bringing them inside. My exreme lack of tolerance is probably Porter is not a barker, and has yet to pick up the Husky trait of howling. He is extremely verbal, however, and has no problem letting us know that he is pissed and/or frustrated by plopping himself down in the middle of the living room floor with a big sigh & a harumph!
Anyway, Porter came into our bedroom to let us know he wanted to be let out; I believe not because he had to go potty but because he wanted to give the barker a healthy dose of shut the hell up.
Yesterday I was quite convinced I was coming down with a cold. My sinuses were bothering me more than usual, I felt like my throat was closing up, and I felt light-headed. This morning, thankfully, I am feeling better. Still having sinus troubles, but no more so than every day the past 2 months. I refuse to be sick for Christmas!
I have been hearing commercials on the radio that on Friday, Santa will be making the rounds through the main streets of downtown, and up into the residential neighborhoods ~ on a fire engine! It reminded me of when Adam & I lived downtown and we witnessed this for ourselves. We stood outside on the sidewalk, and couldn’t help but smile at the sounds of all the children screaming SANTA! SANTA! SANTA! SANTA’S COMING! IT’S SANTAAAAA!! A total explosion of enthusiasm. Truly priceless, and I’d forgotten all about it until yesterday.
I’m nearly done with my holiday shopping, but still have a few things to purchase, and a few things that should be arriving this week via Mr. UPS. I was so far ahead of the game the last week of November/first week of December, and then I don’t know what happened. I am waiting to wrap presents until Monday, which I just found out I have off. Yippee! I plan on watching all the Christmas movies I have yet to watch, and have myself a little wrapping party.
I recently bought a tag-maker kit (made by Making Memories) for about $17, normally priced at $46. I couldn’t exactly pass that up, now could I? No, I didn’t think so. I made all the tags for the gifts mailed to my in-laws, and while it takes a bit more time than using the pre-made gift tags one can buy in pack that will last about 7 years, it definitely personalized our gifts. I like to be known for my handmade things, even if the recipient didn’t know they were handmade.
Besides holiday gifts, I’m finding all sorts of uses for my tag-maker, and plan on tagging the hell out of all my baskets that hold my crafting supplies.
Speaking of handmade things, here is the holiday card that I sent out this year. Between my family, Adam’s family, and the handful of friends that I send cards to, I send out about 60 each year. This particular card was a multi-step process that took several evenings to finish. But, it’s probably my favorite Christmas card I’ve made yet, so it was worth it. You probably can’t see it, but the red & white paper have little gold flecks in them, which I just love.
I had fully intended on making loads of extra cards so I could list them on my shoppe, but I drastically underestimated the time it would take to make them. I did take 3 sets of 5 cards to The Creating Place to consign, and as of last week, one pack had sold. Maybe the last-minute-shoppers will snatch up the other 2 packs…and maybe next year I’ll start making them in June so I actually have some to list. Oh, wait, I’ll have a newborn then ~ who am I kidding?!
This week I received a very special package from the very special Manda. It was my first overseas package, and I probably stared at the envelope & its par avion royal mail stamps for a good five minutes before actually opening it. Honey even commented that I was just as intrigued by the packaging than its contents. He really does know me so well.
I wish I could show you what was inside the package, but I can’t. I received two items; one for myself and one for my mom, so if I show & tell, it will spoil the surprise. Upon receipt of my _________, I instantly felt as if I were now a part of a very special club: those who know & appreciate Manda McGrory and the wonderful things she creates. Really, I can’t say enough about her & how much I love her designs. She says she never uses a pattern, which is further proof of her creativity. Her color combinations are too pretty for words ~ oh, to have access to her fabric collection!
Okay, so don’t judge me or think I’m totally weird, but I will forever associate the holidays with soap operas. That right, I said, soap operas. I think the reason being is because when I was on Christmas break in high school, I often spent my afternoons watching All my Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. For many many years, we didn’t have cable, and when you don’t have cable, you get one fuzzy channel that is a combination of ABC and NBC. This meant that the only shows available to me were the soaps. The soaps were filled with pretty people, with perfect hair and perfect makeup, and they were always going to a holiday ball. And I (foolishly) wished I could be like them, with a perfectly scripted life. Now I know better, although I do sometimes wish I came with a script.
Throughout this post, I have included photos of some of my favorite Christmas ornaments. (I could do a separate post on just my ornaments, but I really don’t see that happening between now & Tuesday). My mom has purchased my brother & I an ornament every year since birth, although she says we’re too old now & has cut us off. I will speak on behalf of Bucky & I and say that while we may understand her sentiment, we most certainly do not think we are too old to receive our annual ornament from mom. Just throwing that out there, mom….:)
I usually purchase an ornament each year for Adam & I; something to symbolize our past year together. Last year was this house ornament because we bought our first house (insert “duh” here). And that reminds me, I haven’t bought our ornament for this year. Nothing terribly eventful has happened except for that I left my hellish, stress & anxiety inducing job for a one where I’m not treated like crap on a daily basis, and that I got knocked up. But since the baby won’t be born until next year, it doesn’t seem right to mark that event in this year. Do they make ornaments in the shape of a tiny little pregnancy test??
Happy Holidays, everyone! May all of your holiday wishes come true.White Christmas Forecasted.
Here is my darling Doodles, modeling a holiday apron made by the fabulous Jeanetta. It even has extra-long straps to accomodate my ever-growing waistline. I’m sure I enjoy wearing it more than he does. I believe he is saying ~ woman, what are you doing to me?!
And here he is with his Christmas blankie, a gift specially for Doodles from my in-laws. Adam says he looks “defeated” in this photo. Just look at those sad eyes! I don’t know how you can be sad with a soft, red blankie, though!
As I’m sitting here giggling over these photos, Honey looked over my shoulder & said it’s degrading to post a photo of Porter in an apron and asked if I could also post a photo with a toolbelt and a drill. Hmmmm…..
I love the holidays. Am fanatical about them. I love that the lamp posts downtown are wrapped in lights and that my favorite shops put up Christmas trees. I even love the Christmas commercials on TV. I love satsuma oranges, and have eaten so many that underneath my thumbnail has turned orange. FYI, Porter also loves satsumas. The first time I gave him a piece of orange, and after he had pierced through the skin, he rubbed his head in it. Strangest thing I’ve ever seen that dog do. Even stranger than the time we took him to the beach & he tried to hunt & catch the fish rather than roll in the dead ones.
In our house, Christmas decorations go up Thanksgiving weekend because the way I look at it, if I’m going to put in that much effort to decorate my house, I want it up long enough to make it worthwhile. Not to mention the fact that it’s all so pretty to look at. When I’m decorating or crafting, Adam asks me if I’m “doing Christmas”. See, Honey knows it’s a month-long event!
Adam was a trooper, and put up the outside lights ~ without my having to ask, even! We hang clear icicle lights, but I think I will have to be a copy-cat of our neighbors Nathan & Michelle and get the twinkling icicle lights from Home Depot for next year. Every fifth light twinkles, but it has a random twinkling afffect & looks so, so pretty.
Not like our next door neighbors, Crazy-Jane & Phil, who clearly need some lessons on how to hang lights. 1. Do not hang a strand of icicle lights, and then a string of regular lights. 2. The end connector piece ~ you know, the gap where there aren’t any lights? ~ take the time to bundle them up & don’t leave them stretched out so there’s a gap between your icicle lights and the plain string of lights. Adam said Crazy-Jane must have been drinking again (or that her meds have kicked in) because when she came out to admire Phil’s handywork, she exclaimed ~ Oh, Honey, those lights look beautiful! Now, ladies, you know we appreciate it when our husbands try to do something sweet for us, but wouldn’t you pipe up if the lights looked awful, and trust me when I say Phil’s looked awful?
Anyway, in year’s past, I’ve been known to go a little nuts buying holiday decorations, but that was also when I was still establishing my collection. Now I’ve learned that there really is such a thing as TOO MUCH STUFF, and try to only buy one or two things at most. I’m trying to focus more on creating my holiday decorations rather than buying them, although this year I haven’t done a lick of crafting aside from my Christmas cards. I also have to hold myself back from purchasing loads of holiday dishes. If I hosted an annual open house (we had a holiday party one year, and I’d love to make it annual thing), maybe I could rationalize multiple sets of dishes, but until that day I try to refrain.
Last year, I got this Charlie Brown tree from Urban Outfitters, which I absolutely love, and I found a use for all the tiny little gift boxes I’ll never re-use, and the last scrap of gorgeous Christmas-toile wrapping paper. I also purchased this handpainted Noel sign. This year, I couldn’t resist the adorable mittens hanging below. They almost look handcrafted, don’t they?
My tastes have also changed somewhat over the years. As my mom mentioned, we usually receive a giant box of greenery from family in Oregon. I would use the leftover cedar & boxwood to lay over table tops, shelves, ledges; basically anything that would sit still got greenery. The look I was going for was organic, woodsy: picture a b & b in Vermont. While I’ve always loved antiques, I didn’t necessarily go for vintagey decorations, and aside from my ornament collection from my mom, I would rather have had new than old decorations. Silly, I know. While I still love the woodsy look, I’m trying to incorporate more handmade & vintage items into my decorating.
Unfortunately, what this means is that I don’t really have a set theme that is carried from room to room, and sometimes I wish I did. I have my Santa collection, my snowman collection, my Snow Baby snow globes the Nativity set my mom put out when I was growing up, Adam’s nativity set, a garland I made of wooden ornaments from Adam’s grandma, a couple of holiday-greetings banners inspired by the fabulously talented Jerusalem; all random things, but all things I love. 
I love decorating the tree. We usually buy one, but will probably opt for the great, tree hunt once the baby gets older. After my brother & Michelle had got their tree, he asked me what kind we had got. I replied ~ a Grand Fir. He said they had gotten a Noble Fir, the “Cadilac of Christmas trees”. I think I may have mentioned before that we’re slightly competetive with one another…..
So, while my house may never grace the pages of a magazine, it says “home” to me, and in the end, that’s all that matters. I like to think I have created a lovely & relaxing home for Adam & I, and for the May-Baby. Rily-cat likes it, anway.
