You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2007.
First off, an update on Tanya: she is back home from surgery & all appears to have gone well. Phew.
I wish I could say all has been merry & bright these past couple of months in terms of my pregnancy, but alas, I cannot. And since a while back I wrote about being honest, I feel compelled to be honest again now. I have felt myself drifting away again, but since I tend to get somewhat melancholy around the holidays, and because I am often affected by seasonal affective disorder (and because this winter has been particularly gross without much snow), I ignored it. I ignored my frequent feelings of just wanting to be alone (offset by my neediness & feeling completely lonely when Honey falls asleep before I do) and my feelings of slipping back into depression. I think I just always hope ~ tomorrow I will feel better. And sometimes I do. And then sometimes I wake up angry at the world, pissed because Honey’s snoring has woken me up countless times during the night, or because Riley-cat has decided he needs to get into the bathroom cupboard. (And let me clarify that I’m not pissed directly at Honey because I know he can’t help that he snores when he sleeps on his back). This is all exasperated by little things like my curling iron cord getting stuck on the bathroom cupboard knob, or not being able to find the sweater I wanted to wear; the one non-wrinkly item of clothing I had because I don’t have the energy to iron. I often dread going to work, not because work is bad, but simply because I have to leave the house. It sucks to leave the house even more when you’ve started your day out crying & you now look as crappy as you feel.
This weekend, I fell back into a very dark place. A place where after a few very minor setbacks which were anything but minor at the time, I spent nearly the entire day Sunday in bed. I did get up, for a very a short time in the morning, and after throwing a container of Pledge dusting wipes at the front door and then seeing the look on Porter’s face, which can only be described as concern & confusion, I calmed down a bit. I took down the Christmas tree, and as that had wiped any energy I had right out of me, I laid back down on the couch. Honey woke up and told me he didn’t appreciate being told he was going to be left out at the end of the road with the rest of the animals (yes, boys & girls, this was the first thing I said to my husband, before even setting my feet on the floor), so I decided I wasn’t fit to be around anyone & crawled back into bed.
I cried for a long while, slept for a short while, and mostly just laid there thinking. It’s almost too painful to even write the things I was thinking, but if I do write them, maybe it will help me to realize that I didn’t really mean them, because I didn’t. While in the midst of despair, it’s impossible to see that, but I can see it now. At the time, I wished I could un-do everything: I didn’t want my house, my husband, or my baby. It was all too much to deal with, and I felt I was not, nor would I ever be, able to handle it all. If I can’t handle the cats waking me up, how would I ever be able to handle a crying baby? What if I didn’t get back on meds soon enough after the baby’s born? Would I want to drop it off out at the end of the road, too? Would I be one of those mothers you see on TV who went completely berserk?
More things got thrown (2 remotes, a bottle of water, and my alarm clock; nothing broke), and every time Honey came in to see what was wrong, I just screamed at him to leave me alone. He has had to deal with many, many things in his life, but as far as I know, depression is not one of them. And for that reason, he can’t, and may not ever be able to understand how I can feel this way when, in his mind, nothing is really that bad. And he’s right. The things that set me off are not really that bad, but I guess that’s what sets a person who is hormonal apart from someone who is not. I don’t fault Honey for not understanding; I couldn’t possibly when I hardly understand why I am the way I am.
I finally got back out of bed around 4:00 pm, and fell asleep around 9:00 in my comfy chair. Since I was sleeping pretty well, and because Honey wasn’t snoring (he had fallen asleep on the couch), I stayed put. Around 4:00 am, when I was too uncomfortable to fall back asleep, I crawled into bed where I laid wide awake for about an hour. I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day, and that both worried me and made me realize that I didn’t want it un-done. I laid my hands across my belly & rubbed it until I could feel the baby squirming around.
When I heard Honey’s footsteps coming down the hallway, I was so relieved, and it felt so good to have him in bed next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt safer than in those moments with his arm wrapped around my belly. He said he hadn’t felt the baby move yet; that he keeps waiting for it. I told him that while the baby does move quite a bit (mostly at night when I’m laying in bed), I’ve yet to feel it from the outside either. And then I was finally able to fall asleep, a really good sleep.
I wasn’t sure if I would be up for dinner at my mom & step-dad’s tonight as planned, or up for game-night with my brother & Michelle ~ even though a big dose of Hunter-snuggling is probably just what I needed ~ but I’m feeling much better now. I don’t understand how I can feel like my life can be falling apart in one moment, and feel good a few short hours later. I know some therapy would likely do me some good, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to (someone who won’t feel frustrated because they don’t understand why the hell I’m so weepy), but my insurance policy isn’t very kind to those with mental health issues & taking on another expense at this point would just cause more anxiety. I do know something has to give, I just don’t know what.
I just wanted to say a big thank you for listening & for being in my life this past year. Although many of you are strangers in the sense that we will never meet face to face, I consider you all my friends & it is so very comforting to know you are out there & that you care. I hope you all enjoy your New Year’s holiday with your friends & family. I know I will.
And purely by chance, this is my 100th post. To celebrate, I will draw a name at random from those who leave a comment to receive a special hand-made gift.
Edited: I realize that this is a very depressing post to leave a comment on, and perhaps one that some people wouldn’t want to comment on or wouldn’t know what to say. Thank you to Jeru & Jeanetta who have already left me sweet messages that I’m taking to heart. To anyone who wishes to comment for the giveaway, feel free to just say hello, or to comment on any other post I write this week. I promise they will be more lighthearted, and tomorrow I will hopefully have some very good news to share. Thank you again to everyone for your support. I will draw a name on Sunday! TG
Today my dear friend Tanya is having surgery, which makes too many to count for someone of her age & in such a short amount of time. I am hopeful that this will finally make her pain-free, healthy, and that she will have NO MORE SURGERIES in 2008.
Does anyone else feel sad & lonely today? I spend all day Christmas with my husband & my family, and then I’m suddenly thrust back into work & I just feel lonely. Even my radio isn’t coming in very clear, which seems oddly fitting with the way I feel today. Just a bit off.
I want to be at home cuddling with Honey & Porter, who last night must have felt lonely too, because he decided he needed to lay on me, not just next to me. Honey had already fallen asleep on the couch, my lonliness had set in, and so I let him stay there even though a 55 pound dog lying across my belly wasn’t entirely comfortable. If Honey had witnessed that scene, he would have been miffed, because I often tell him his arm is too heavy when he drapes it across my belly when we’re asleep. Except, once he told me that when he put his arm across my waist & his hand rested on my belly, he was imagining what it would be like if there was a baby in there. I told myself that when I became pregnant, I would always let him put his hand on my belly.
I want to be at home, putting away my new goodies, putting away Christmas, and basically restoring order to my home. As much as I love Christmas and the entire month of planning, decorating, and celebrating, it will be a welcome relief to have life back to normal; to not have anything Christmas-related on my to-do list. I want to be tying up my loose ends & closing my loops so as to reduce my anxiety & free up space in my mind. Space that I will fill up with baby-planning, and reading my pregnancy books that I’ve not had time to read this past month.
I want to be at home watching our new DVD’s, of which we received many. Chic-flicks for me, and for Honey, I bought Ratatoullie and the Planet Earth series, He loves to watch anything on the Discovery or National Geographic channel. The other night, we both fell asleep in the living room, and I woke up to a show on giant turtles. The turtle had ensnared himself in a trap or something else he was otherwise unable to escape from, and wound up cooking himself from the heat ~ just moments before the tide had come up & freed him. It killed me to know that this poor turtle had baked to death, when there was a cameraman there who could have saved him. It was more than this pregnant gal (with “extra” feelings normally) could handle. When I told Adam about how much it bothered me, he said they’re not allowed to interfere, but it still seemed cruel to me. Even knowing the turtle’s death was part of the cycle of things in the animal world by becoming shark food didn’t make me feel any better. If I were at home today, I would not be watching a show about dying turtles.
I have officially wrapped my last gift. (Doodles was exhausted just watching it all). Honey & I are having roasted chicken & stuffing for dinner tonight, will likely turn on a 24 hours of A Christmas Story, and at some point, take Doodles out for a walk.
We had not-quite-Christmas Eve dinner last night with Bucky, Michelle & baby Hunter, and tomorrow after having a big breakfast at home, we’ll spend the day between my mom & step-dad’s house, and my dad & step-mom’s house. While it may sound crazy-hectic, it’s really all very relaxed.
However you are spending your day tomorrow, I hope you are surrounded by your families, too.
Last night I dragged Honey to see P.S. I Love You, and I absolutely loved it. Honey, of course, thought it sucked. He’s not one for chic flicks, although he did say that once we own it and he’s seen it 4 times, maybe he’ll grow to like it. At least that’s something!
I must have cried about 8 different times during this movie, and I know I wasn’t alone because I could hear sniffling coming from all sides. I’m sorry, but if you are in a relationship, or more specifically, are married to the love of your life, and you don’t cry during this movie, you’re just dead inside.
This movie made me really think about my marriage, and how it doesn’t occur to me that it could be cut short. I married Honey with the belief that we will grow old together, and I never once considered the possibility that he could die young. If I allowed myself to think about such things, I probably never would have married him because the thought of losing him would hurt way too much.
P.S. brought up a whole mess of emotions that I never even knew existed. I could empathize with Hilary Swank’s character more than any other character I’ve watched in years. I could feel in my heart what it would feel like to be a widow at age 30, and it sucked. When you marry the man you love, that’s not supposed to happen, you know? How do you ever get over that? How do you get out of bed in the morning? Go to work? Move on? Smile? Allow yourself to fall in love again? I just can’t imagine how I’d ever get over losing Honey.
So, go watch this movie. Cry, laugh, give your husband a big hug, and treat your marriage as if every day could be its last.
This morning I was about to nudge/poke/kick Honey to roll over so he’d quit snoring until I realized it was not Honey snoring, but rather a dog barking outside for no apparent reason. And I have very little tolerance for dogs who bark for no apparent reason, nor for dog owners who let their dogs stay outside barking instead of bringing them inside. My exreme lack of tolerance is probably Porter is not a barker, and has yet to pick up the Husky trait of howling. He is extremely verbal, however, and has no problem letting us know that he is pissed and/or frustrated by plopping himself down in the middle of the living room floor with a big sigh & a harumph!
Anyway, Porter came into our bedroom to let us know he wanted to be let out; I believe not because he had to go potty but because he wanted to give the barker a healthy dose of shut the hell up.
Yesterday I was quite convinced I was coming down with a cold. My sinuses were bothering me more than usual, I felt like my throat was closing up, and I felt light-headed. This morning, thankfully, I am feeling better. Still having sinus troubles, but no more so than every day the past 2 months. I refuse to be sick for Christmas!
Okay, so don’t judge me or think I’m totally weird, but I will forever associate the holidays with soap operas. That right, I said, soap operas. I think the reason being is because when I was on Christmas break in high school, I often spent my afternoons watching All my Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. For many many years, we didn’t have cable, and when you don’t have cable, you get one fuzzy channel that is a combination of ABC and NBC. This meant that the only shows available to me were the soaps. The soaps were filled with pretty people, with perfect hair and perfect makeup, and they were always going to a holiday ball. And I (foolishly) wished I could be like them, with a perfectly scripted life. Now I know better, although I do sometimes wish I came with a script.
White Christmas Forecasted.
Here is my darling Doodles, modeling a holiday apron made by the fabulous Jeanetta. It even has extra-long straps to accomodate my ever-growing waistline. I’m sure I enjoy wearing it more than he does. I believe he is saying ~ woman, what are you doing to me?!